Drawing each day, this same yet different thing, I have begun to experience an increasing quickness to the arrival of visual ideas - that is, ideas that come not as words, or even possibly translatable into words. But drawing ideas. The pencil has a nearness to me, my states of being are more visual - but only through drawing them. I am experiencing these ideas also as less 'how I look' and more like a certain relationship to space, or a sense of being small or dominated by a particular color or pattern or just a simple emotion when sitting on my daughter's chair; this kind of idea often has only a slight relationship to 'how I look'. This is surprising to me - the path of these drawings is less about me, my 51st year, how do I look as I age - and more about what living as a draftsperson, being-in-the-world as a draftsperson, means. And so, I am finding that sometimes the drawings, while starting with myself, do not have the sense of being about only myself, but a connection to a state that might be, almost, universal.
I woke up, thinking - what to do today? What does one do when one turns 50? My paints were in my studio, but the only thing that made any sense was to sit myself down right away, and take a good honest look at myself before I had any time to think. I found a watercolor block, and my drawing box and thus began a project of drawing myself every day for my 50th year. To live 50 as a painter, taking a good look each day, whether I have 2 minutes or an hour, and whether I want to or not. And in the way that iterations are not just repetitions but change due to the very fact of being repeated, I will live the year of 50.
Karen Kaapcke, September 2012
The Continuation: I have noticed in this, my 51st year, that I am more my body than ever. Yet I was suddenly barely recognizing it. The need to look at it and 'lean in' with it, to work with it, has become central. As a result, my body is becoming more my own. And more universally representative of the need to be present physically in a way that most women find only happens in the younger, sexy years. 51 = drawing the body.
Karen Kaapcke 3.30.13
A few years later, and I looked into the mirror - and was struck by how foreign my belly was to me. I still don't recognize myself.
Karen Kaapcke 9.20.16